10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
Dear friends and family –
Just wanted to share a few "house rules" with you to make sure that all goes well and flows smoothly for Thanksgiving dinner at my house this year. Strict adherence to the below will make sure the authorities will not have to be summoned.
- Don't come to my house asking a whole bunch of questions about the food: "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it?" Ask me JUUUST ONE MO' question and you'll get slapped to sleep until Thanksgiving is over!
- If you can't walk, need assistance to walk or you are missing all or part of any of your limbs, sit yo' narrow crippled behind down until someone can make your plate for you. Thanksgiving is not the time for you to show how "independent you is!" Just sit right there and nibble on those damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until we get you a plate!
- If you have kids under the age of twelve, proceed with them immediately down the stairs to the table in the basement. I'm not gonna let those half wild hyena's of yours tear up my house this year! Anybody born after 1995 and is caught upstairs - they gone have to clip the toenails on Aunt LuLu's monkey foot this year. They will not be allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Ray Ray's lying behind (sorry Uncle Ray Ray – but you know you be tellin’ some whoppers!) to start telling family stories about their mommas and daddies.
- We only blessing the food with ONE prayer this year - JUST ONE! We really don't care that you are thankful that you are a 33 year old grandmother and your "baby gurl" just gave birth to a healthy baby; or that your baby daddy just got out of jail. Note that should you volunteer to bless the meal - we have set a 60 second time limit on the prayer this year. If you are still talking after that point, know that you do so at the risk of something hard popping you in the mouth and swelling up your lip for 'bout 20-25 minutes.
- ake all the food you want - but you best to eat ALL the food you take! Anybody caught wasting this expensive a** food is gonna get a GOOD cussin' out!
- This ain’t a Sonic Drive through - it's BYOT - bring your OWN Tupperware if you want to fix a plate to go! Don't let me catch you trying to smuggle out food in my good Tupperware - knowing good and dang well you ain't gone bring it back! As a matter of fact - if you dare to bring your trifling self over here empty-handed - don't even let me catch you trying to make a plate PERIOD or it's gone be some probLEMS up in this camp.
- If you didn’t bring it in wit’ cha - don't even think about trying to take it OUT wit’ cha! Note that all purses and body cavities are subject to search (and if warranted - seizure!) upon entering and/or exiting the premises.
- Our house is not a drop-in day care facility. All of you parents with "nomadic" tendencies - and you KNOW who you are, you and your child(ren) will be attached with identical monitoring bracelets that will activate a continuous shrill alarm should you become separated more than 100 yards from each other for more than 60 seconds.
- Our house is also NOT a Motel 6 so you best to make your hotel 'rrangements prior to your arrival into town. At 11:00pm - we turning out ALL lights and laying it down for the night. We will provide two courtesy notices beginning at 10:45pm by politely flicking the lights on and off. If you don't receive mail at this address - let that serve as your notice to start packing it up. You ain't gotta go home - but er um uhhhhh....you know the rest!
- We are no longer providing alibi's or cover stories for family members. If you are not supposed to be here - or not 'sposed to be here with who you here with - you are on your own as we will not lie to your significant other for you; nor to your P.O. or employer.
Love ya and can't wait to see
y’all for Thanksgiving - mmmmmwah!
